Irish Humor

Irish Wit & Wisdom

A NUN AND SOME WARM MILK
In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.
The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us” She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them in earnest and said:
“DON’T SELL THAT COW”!

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.
“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Long Distance?

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

Heavenly Hotline:
On vacation in Europe, Bob noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, Bob asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. Bob was amazed, but declined the offer.
Throughout Europe Bob kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.
Bob finished his tour of Europe with a stop in Ireland. He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating: “DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN — 25 CENTS”
“Father,” he said, “I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?”
The priest smiled and said,
“Son, you’re in Ireland now. It’s a local call.”

Irish Wisdom—as we prepare to celebrate Independence Day in America!

Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not
~George Bernard Shaw.

Ireland, thou friend of my country in my country’s most friendless days, much injured, much enduring land, accept this poor tribute from one who esteems thy worth, and mourns thy desolation. (Notes: speaking of Ireland’s support for America during the revolution).
~George Washington

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.
~ John F. Kennedy

Blessing:

May your home be filled with laughter May your pockets be filled with gold And may you have all the happiness Your Irish heart can hold.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *